The End of the Binge

Breakthrough. NOUN: An act of overcoming or penetrating an obstacle or restriction. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000

The most amazing thing happened over the past two days. I had a breakthrough! Now before you roll your eyes and move on to something else, I want you to bear with me. This is a big deal. I mean a really big deal. Such a big deal I think my life has officially changed for the better.

Yesterday I attended a screening of an opera with my husband. The intermission was only 20 minutes long, and I was hungry and planned to grab a protein shake at the smoothy store outside the theater. Unfortunately, there was a line outside the door. I didn’t know what to do because that was the meal I had planned for intermission so, I crabbily went back into the theater and ordered a small popcorn, hoping that would hold me.

Well, on the way home we passed a fast food place that serves the creamiest chocolate shakes. My mouth watered as I imagined its texture in my mouth. I tried to convince myself that I had already screwed up and it would be okay. However, I reached a compromise and decided that when we got home I would make my own milkshake. I went to the store and bought ice cream and chocolate syrup. The SparkPeople training was finally taking hold, because I measured out 1 cup of ice cream, 1 cup of skim milk, and 2 tablespoons of chocolate syrup and blended. When I was finished drinking it, I was full and stopped right there.

A short while afterwards, however, I had the thought I should eat more, because I’d already blown it. This happened even with a full stomach and satiated craving. I sat there and realized I didn’t want anything else. So I reasoned with myself and told myself that just because I messed up a little didn’t mean that I had to force feed on junk.

So, instead I filled out my food diary. I did incredibly well! I was still under my allotted calories for the day, even if I did overdo the carbs and under do the protein. I felt amazingly proud of myself right then.

This morning when I woke up I came into the kitchen and got my breakfast ready. I thought about the events that happened yesterday and how I had refused to “punish” myself with food. Then a memory flooded back into my mind.

When I was seven years old, my dad took me to the Dairy Queen to buy me an ice cream cone. He ordered me a small, but I (being a kid) argued with him to get me a large. He got angry and did just that. Of course it was too big for me, and when I got full he would not let me throw it out. He made me eat it until I refused to eat any more and it melted.

I suddenly realized that whenever I did something that broke the rules a little bit, my resulting binges were just like that day when I was seven. I didn’t have to treat myself so badly and could just stop the force feeding. I felt an immediate surge of energy leave my body. I stopped stooping my shoulders. I felt happy!

I don’t know how long this will last, but I think I will be able to move onto eating small portions of treats and not be afraid of an impending bender. I do not have to start binge eating and ruin my diet because I had a little snack. Yeah me.