This morning I went to get a blood draw from my PICC line. The nurse was from Libertyville, Illinois, and had the stoic Midwestern keep-you-at-a-distance lack of warmth. It rankled me for some reason. Perhaps it was too close to my upbringing for my comfort, or something like that; because, it was all I could do to keep from crying while she worked on me. When we left to go to Chompies for a snack I balled like a baby in the car. I honestly don’t know why—just needed to.
Then we came back to see the PA. She said my white cells and neutrophils were up and that was good. My red cells are still down, but that is to be expected and explains why I am so tired. She said because of the crying, she would get me an appointment to see the social worker and possibly the psychiatrist here shortly to learn relaxation techniques.
Then we went to Mimi’s for lunch. There was a man at the lunch counter who started a conversation and announced that he had been cancer free from prostate cancer for 10 years. He was nice and said it was good I had a sense of humor. I mean honestly doesn’t everyone? Do people with cancer just sit around and moan? I wonder. All of them I meet have great attitudes (if their blood count is up). It was nice to joke with him and dad though.
At the radiation treatment room, I gave the techs my usual ration of shit. It was fun goofing with them. Then I laid down for the treatment and began moaning and groaning to myself about cancer. I immediately put the kabosh on that and started my usual cancer conversation:
Fuck you very much, Cancer. Because of you I have to live with crazy people. And because of you I have to get irradiated every day. Because of you I have to watch what and how I eat because it hurts to swallow. But you know what Cancer? I am going to beat you, because I am going to prove to the world that I can swim through a river of shit to live this life I have been given. And I am going to live it on my terms. So fuck you, the crazy people I live with are helping me combat you. The radiation and side effects are just tools in my arsenal to kick you out. So fuck you very much, Cancer. You are not long for this world. Not long at all.
Finally, I saw Dr. Schild, who is an absolute sweetheart. He is so Jewish you can smell the bagels and lox on him (kosher of course). I just love this guy. He told me everything about my cancer that is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what Dr. Ross told me. He told me that he has NO IDEA about how long I have had the cancer. He said it started with the Christmas bulb tumor hanging out in my lung. It worked its way up into my lymph nodes and here we are. LULZ. I asked him about that and he said they had no idea how or when it starts, some doctors will tell you their best guess. But God only knows.
So there you have it. My day all bass ackwards and upside down. I hope I can beat this shit. I am fucking sick of it.
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